i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
