i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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