An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
