Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
