I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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