Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
