Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
