Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
