Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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