Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
