I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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