Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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