my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
