in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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