My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
