i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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