It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
