I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
