Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
