On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
