Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
