her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
