Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
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