The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
