i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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