i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
