Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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