My first STD was from a foam party
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
