I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize