my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The Olympian is in my bed
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