college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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