OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She's the barista slut.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
