This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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