tell your sister to shave her snatch
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
