how can u be prego again
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
