did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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