mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
