apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
