I cockslap morals
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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