I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
