Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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