it was like eating out sand paper
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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