Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize