he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
