I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
