I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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