i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
