rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
