All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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