On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
