i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
