My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
