I can't breathe out the right side of my face
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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