he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
