god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Randomize
