yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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