nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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