and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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