I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
