Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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