Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
