Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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