Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
